My Commando Clean Story started years ago when I was at Lawny Calhoon’s birthday party and his mother noticed a dark fudge stripe in my hair. I was eight years old at the time and I will never forget the humiliation of standing in front of the house waiting for my mother to pick me up early. All the other children sat in the living room watching out the window. As I looked out the backseat window of my mothers station wagon as we departed, all I could see was Lawny’s mother throwing my birthday present in the garbage before it was even opened.
As my mother screamed at me from the front seat, all I could think was how did this happen? She was so embarrassed and went on and on about how the whole neighborhood would be talking about this for years. “We may as well go home and start packing because were going to have move. For that matter, I better call my lawyer and see about getting our names changed.” On and on she went telling me how I’d ruined her life.
Her life? What about my life? How was I going to go to school on Monday? Surely my teacher Ms. Nelson would hear about this before Monday. She’d call Principal Wasdon before school even started. I’d land in the nurses office before 9am. The nurse would be dressed in a hazmat suit and be ordered to perform a full fudge detection. All the other kids would be watching through the window as Principal Wasdon announced over the intercom, “Attention All Students. There will be a special assembly at 10am to address any fudge striped hair concerns. Teachers, please remain calm and wait till after the assembly to visit my office.”
Fortunately the weekend passed and school started on Monday with only a few whispers and strange looks from other students. The rumors where starting to fly until a bit of luck saved me from a life of social isolation.
Erica Conner pissed her pants in class. The refreshing smell of urine pouring off of her chair set my mind at easy. I was out of the spot light and my streaked nightmare would fade away.
Unfortunately this was only the beginning. A month later we headed over to grandma’s house for Thanksgiving Dinner. Something smelled strange to me in the backseat of the station wagon, but I thought it must just be mom’s “famous green bean casserole”. When we arrived at grandma’s house, my uncle opened the door and welcomed us inside. He looked at me and said, “Wow, Conner is really growing up.” My mother looked at him with a surprised look on her face to which he replied, “Check out his mustache!”.
These episodes continued for months until I started becoming so paranoid I’d smell test everything in the house – but this poo mystery was a tough case, and the trail went cold. Finally, after weeks of obsessive behavior, I had a break through. As I started to dry my hair after a long shower on a cold winter morning I noticed something strange. A brown streak across my thumb.
I remember thinking to myself, how could this be? I just spent 45mins scrubbing every nook and cranny with the harshest chemical detergent I could find. Then it struck me – the towel! Sure enough, as I jumped out the shower and stared into the mirror, there it was, a fudge stripe straight across my forehead.
My older brother T.J., that bastard!!! He’d been using my fudge colored towel to wipe his hinny.
For the rest of the cold winter I suffered, sometimes waiting hours to drip dry after a shower. I saved my lunch money, allowance money, shoveled snow, and mowed lawns. After nearly a year I had finally saved enough money.
When all of the guests had gone into the kitchen for cake and ice cream I slipped The Commando Clean into the pile of gifts at T.J.’s birthday party. It was the last present opened at the party and my mother was a little confused when she picked up the box and it did not have a name tag. She asked who had brought the gift, but nobody spoke up.
When T.J. opened The Commando Clean his friends friends thought it was the coolest present in the world. Today T.J. proudly wears the Commando Clean dog tags around his neck and tells everyone he’s the cleanest kid on the block. And even though T.J. still uses my towel, I can finally dry my hair.
Thank you Commando Clean!!!