TSA Airport Security

TSA agents say Commando Clean is causing new airport security problems and demand an immediate resolution. “We’ve had several fights breakout while people were passing through airport security, ” said TSA agent Tommy Stillwater. “Just last week, a large woman started choking a twelve-year-old boy in line.”

 

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According to TSA officials, the large woman became unruly after agents requested all metal jewelry be removed. A twelve-year-old boy standing behind her in line, removed his Commando Clean Dog Tags. He then noticed the large woman did not remove Commando Clean Dog Tags and he yelled ahead to his mother, “Ewww… mom, she’s not Commando Clean.” His mother yelled back, “Just shut-up and take your shoes off.”

The boy then proceeded to bend down and take off his shoes. “As he bent down, his face was really close to her crack,” said Stillwater. The boy then screamed, “Mom, she smells like poo.” “Everyone in line looked concerned and people started pointing. Then, next thing you know the fat lady just started choking the little kid,” said Stillwater.

This was just one of the stories presented to Congress this week as TSA agents threatened to go on strike. According to official documents, TSA agents are demanding additional funding for new security scanning equipment. The new security scanning equipment is called SkidScan and can detect skid marks.

“Commando Clean is ruining our lives, ” said TSA senior officials. With SkidScan we will be able to identify passengers trying to board aircraft with a dirty crack. Passengers failing the SkidScan could then be directed to the airport restroom where they’ve installed Commando Cleans. “After all, no one wants to sit next to someone on a plane who smells like poo.”

Congress engaged in a heated debate that seemed destine for a stalemate. The President then stepped in and assigned a special task force to investigate. “This is a matter of National Security,” said The President. “If the TSA goes on strike, we all loose.”

The President’s Special Task Force later uncovered potential flaws in the design of the SkidScan. The investigative report called the inventor of the SkidScan a joke who was trying to defraud tax payers. According to the report, the SkidScan is a multi-million dollar box with a hole located at waist level. A specially trained dog is then placed in the box and barks if it smells a passenger who is not Commando Clean.

 

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At a news conference this afternoon The President unveiled the findings of The Special Task Force. “I can understand the publics outrage,” said The President. “I personally check the fight crews Commando Clean Dog Tags before boarding Air Force One. As The Commando And Chief, I take this very seriously.”

Moments ago, by special authority of The President, the TSA received funding for SkidScans across the country. However, due to a shortage of trained dogs, and concerns about a backlash by animal rights activist, a TSA agent will be stationed in the SkidScan.

 

 

 

 

 

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Professor Skid

Announcing the retirement of Professor Arthur D. Skid the 3rd from Newbolt Technical Academy. Professor Skid has spent his career teaching mathematics and statistics at various technical institutions throughout the country. However, Professor Skid is best known for his development of a new line of mathematics known as Skiddometry.

*Skiddometry: the mathematical discipline devoted to the accurate measurement of skid marks.

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Professor Skid’s ground breaking research earned him many prestigious awards and national recognition including: The Mathematical Participation Award, and The Mathematical Certificate of Completion. Professor Skid also received numerous obscure government grants including the Ecological Impact of Skid Marks Grant, and The Economics of Bacon Stripes Grant.

Fortunately, with decades of research and millions of tax dollars, Professor Skid was able to develop a universal mathematical formula for predicting skid marks. With this formula, Professor Skid’s life long dream of developing technology to prevent skid marks was patented. However, unlike Scotchgard, Skidgard has never enjoyed commercial success (as court documents state – it causes profuse sweating under the treated fabric).

Patented Formula:

height / weight * pie + x2/4 + lunar pull – fiber intake = skid mark trajectory

During Professor Skid’s exit interview he was overheard mumbling, “!@#$ing Commando Clean!!! Who knew avoiding skid marks could be so easy!”.

 

 

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Angry Entrepreneur

Melvin Jarvis, a local entrepreneur, said he would destroy Commando Clean at all costs during an interview today. “Commando Clean destroyed my life. Now I’m committed to destroying Commando Clean, ” said Jarvis.

Jarvis spent years perfecting his invention called SkidView. SkidView is a special mirror mounted on the inside of a toilet seat. “The SkidView enables a person to see how well they’ve wiped,” said Jarvis. “It solves a universal problem people have using toilet paper. No one really knows whats going on back there. We wipe and wipe, but who really knows? Maybe there are skid marks half way up your back. My invention lets you inspect the crime scene.”

Jarvis recently appeared on the popular television show Tank of Sharks. His invention did not receive funding from any of the Sharks and he blames Commando Clean. One of the Sharks, Dwayne John, called the SkidView short sited and racist. “How is the SkidView going to work for black and brown people?” asked John.

Another Shark, Kalvin O’Leary become upset with Jarvis recalling his investment in Skidpurpedic Beds. O’Leary lost his entire investment and is now being sued after it was revealed the entrepreneur had simply been buying Tempurpedic  Beds and treating them with a patented product known as Skidgard.

 

 

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