Hi, my name is Victoria Secrets, and this is my story titled (drum roll please):
Victoria Secrets Commando Clean Story
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to become a Victoria Secrets Super Model. Unfortunately, as I became a teenager, I realized I wasn’t going to be a Victoria Secrets Super Model. I’d sit in front of the mirror for hours wondering why I didn’t look like the Victoria Secrets models in magazines.
Then one day, when I was wallowing in self pity, I found an old photo in the attic – a large group picture. On the back of the photo in my mother’s handwriting was an old date and the words, “Family Reunion.”
As I scanned through the photo looking for a younger version of my mother I stopped in confusion. Wait, this couldn’t be right, this had to be a photo from my father’s family reunion. Maybe my mother had just written the note on the backside of the photo. But I was certain, the young man in the photo was definitely my father.
As I stared at my father in the photo, I came to realize he wasn’t staring back at me. His fourteen year old eyes were transfixed on something else in the photo. I found myself staring at his eyes trying to connect the dots. It didn’t look like my father was daydreaming, he was definitely focused on something. So, I followed his eyes, and I was stopped dead in my tracks.
The person I saw staring back at me left me bewildered. A young lady, about my age, who happened to look an awful lot like me. It was my mother.
Why would my mother be at my father’s family reunion? Wait, why would my father be at my mother’s family reunion? Wait, why did my father and mother look an awful lot alike?
Later that summer my Uncle Chezney told me the truth. I’ll never forget when I showed him the photo I’d been hiding from my parents all summer. Those unforgettable words, “Victoria Secrets, I don’t want you to freak out! But, your parents are cousins.”
Cousins, I exclaimed! What do you mean cousins? Like third cousins twice removed? Like my mother’s great aunt married an older divorced man with two grown children. One of which was my father, but there is definitely no blood relation type cousins?
“Nope – as in, your dead grandmother’s didn’t have the same first name – they were the same person,” said Uncle Chezney grinning from ear to ear – his three remaining teeth on full display. I’m your mother’s bother, but I’m also your father cousin. “Your mother was quit a looker back then. She could have been a Victoria Secrets Model. I tried to get her to marry me, but your father had already staked his claim. You were born just seven months later.”
Devastated and distraught I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t let my dreams of becoming a Victoria Secrets Super Model just dye. As I fought back the tears all my insecurities seemed to turn inward, but I was determined to live my dreams.
Little did I know at the time, but inbred children suffer unique conditions. Everyone knows about the hunchbacks, crossed eyes, and bearded women. But few people know the real reason inbreds are often referred to as “The Bacon Bunch.” It’s not that we love bacon, it’s because we always have “Bacon Stripes.”
How would I ever become a Victoria Secret Super Model with “Bacon Stripes.” As Uncle Chezney consoled me with one of his famous french kisses, I realized, he didn’t smell like the rest of the family – he didn’t smell like poo. Then I looked down and saw the dog tags around his neck. Uncle Chezney wasn’t a veteran, he was a Commando!
Today I’m married to Commando Chezney and I’m a Commando too!!!
Thank you Commando Clean – you saved my life!!!
– Victoria Secrets